The Funniest Joke Ever Told
82World's Funniest Joke
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help.
He shouts at the emergency operator, "My friend is dead! What do I do!?"
"Calm down", the operator says, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."
The phone goes silent, for a second. Then the operator hears a gunshot.
"Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
According to Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, that is the funniest joke ever told. How does he know? In 2002, he conducted a study to determine the funniest joke in the world, as well as the funniest jokes from several countries around the world.
For his experiment, called LaughLab, he created a website. People from all over the world were asked to submit their favorite jokes, and rate jokes that had been submitted by others. Out of more than ten thousand submitted jokes, the dead hunter joke appealed to the widest demographic. Personally, I find it sort of funny, but it's not my favorite joke. Then again, can you really argue with science?
So what is the second funniest joke ever told? According to Wiseman, it goes like this:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
After thinking for a moment, Watson replies:
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Jokes From Around The World
According to Wiseman's study, the funniest joke in America is about marriage: Two friends are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
Here is the funniest joke to come out of Canada. It pokes fun at American ingenuity: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians, on the other hand, used a pencil.
And in the UK, it was an ugly baby joke, that took the prize: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
The Funniest Joke Ever Told
One Of My Favorites
One of my personal favorites, is an all too true commentary on the institution of marriage: A couple is lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.
Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.
She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"
He cleared his throat, looked at her and said "Found the remote."
Do you know a funnier joke? Feel free to leave it in the comment section below. You might have the world's funniest joke, and not even know it.
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Thanks, Joe. You could email it to me. I love that kind of joke.
Very funny jokes rmr. did you hear number 75 Lmao.
I must say though that I am on Dr. Watson's side in the above joke. Holmes asked him what he saw not what he didn't see? Can you see something that's not there?
no Aussie jokes on the list?
I'll see what I can dig up, ag. Thanks for stopping by!
Very funny rmr! I'd love to be able to remember jokes- I'll start with the first one. that's good, in fact they all are. Thanks!
I have to say that I thought the funniest joke was #2. That is just hilarious.
These are all enjoyable--thoroughly enjoyable.
Johnny Yuma
Ay, the ugly baby does it for me! Bad, Elena, bad! Thanks for the good laugh!
Very nice chuckles rmr! I think the jackalope doubted your ability to pull this off, but you did a great job. ;)
My favorites would be the Sherlock Holmes joke, and the funniest joke from Canada. :D Good stuff!
One of my favourites is also a golfing story.
The guys tees off, hits his ball out of bounds into the road. he hears a car skid and a crashing sound. They carry on playing. At about the 9th hole, cops arrive and ask him if he hit a ball into the road about a hour ago from the third tea nearhe road. He says yes. The cops say he caused a crash and killed the driver and they then ask what he's going to do about this. He replies "I think I need to change my grip and cock my wrists more on the backswing!"
rmr,
I loved it... especially the last one. Very funny.
sschilke
Very good, all of these made me laugh, although my least favourite was actually the first one ironically!
The Sherlock Holmes joke is better than #1 by far. The rest are Ok, but why weren't we consulted. I know much funnier jokes than these. As for the ugly baby joke, Flip Wilson used to tell it, only his puch line was "I'll get a banana for your monkey."
Nice job. I expect YOU to come up with next years list.
I think the holmes one is better too than the first one but then who am I. Great hub again rmr. Have to try to remember the Canadian one as I have never heard that one before.
Stay warm, regards Zsuzsy
Here is one of my faves:
Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.
Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was silence.
-Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I shall endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???"
Kills me every time!
Ok agvulpes, I couldn't find the funniest joke in Australia. But I did learn that Australians are partial to jokes involving wordplay. Something like this: Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.” Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.
Thanks, Lifebydesign. The easiest one to remember came from Belgium: Why do ducks have webbed feet? to stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks!
Gwendymom, I liked #2 also. Thanks for commenting.I hope you have abandonned your batalope experiment, by now. Those things are just mean.
Thanks, johnny yuma, come back any time.
Elena, sometimes you just can't beat a good ugly baby joke! Thanks for visiting.
Pam, I don't think that jackalope likes me very much. I like the Canadian joke, too. Even if it does poke fun at our rocket scientists. Thanks for the nice comment!
Sixty, I love a good golf joke, even though I've never set foot on a course. Thanks for reading and commenting!
sschilke, it's good to hear from you! The last one is currently one of my favorite jokes. It recently replaced the one that BT left in his comment. Thanks for coming by.
I agree, Cindy. The hunter joke is funny, but the others are funnier, in my humble opinion. I'm glad you got a laugh. You spend a lot of time making us laugh, you deserve a laugh in return! Thanks for the nice comment.
Nice to see you, Chris. I remember Flip Wilson's ugly baby joke. I grew up watching that guy, and I always loved his show. I think someone funnier than me (like yourself, perhaps), should do the next list. Thanks!
Always a pleasure to hear from you, Zsuzsy! Judging by the comments I've received so far, the hubbing world is in agreement about that second joke. I think it's funnier, too. But I'm no scientist. Then again, I'm not convinced that science can measure humor. As always, thanks for reading and commenting, Zsuzsy!
I like Holmes and Watson for Number 1 and Parrot and Chicken for Number 2. I needed a good laugh and found it here. :)
Thanks for the laughs.
#1 - A chicken delivers a 500 grams egg.
Newspapers, television, reporters... everyone around the chicken.
- How did this deed, Ms. Chicken?
- Family secret...
- And plans for the future?
- Put an egg of a kilo!
So all eyes turned to the rooster...
- How can such a feat, Mr. Rooster?
- Family secret...
- And plans for the future?
...
...
- Beat the hell out of the turkey!
#2 - An ant was crossing the railroad when she got one foot trapped. After lots of effort she sees the approaching train and says:
- What the hell, I don`t care if it derails...
I agree with the rest of the world, it's joke number 1 for me! But thanks for sharing the others, too! :D
well fair enough not that much funny,,,,there are more funnier jokes...why they have chosen this one...anywya thanx for sharing...
That was not funny there is sooo mush more funny jokes in the world
My favorite joke is: How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I resemble that joke. A lot!
My favorite joke is: How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I resemble that joke. A lot!
RMR! This is a nice hub! You made me laugh!
Funny indeed. I really enjoyed reading this one.
Thanks raymondphilippe, and JPS0138. Glad you both enjoyed it!
Two nuns in a bath and one asks:"where's the soap?"
The other answers: "It does doesn't it."
I think the second of the jokes was funnier
this joke is far more hilarious then all of them put together to form an ultra super mega funny joke... yeah. its better then that!
Three men, Richard, Simon and Charlie are walking in the woods when theycome across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe says, 'we will eatall three of you if you fail the task i set you.' all three men agreed totake the task, it was worth it if it would save them from a painful death.The leader said, 'right, i want all of you to go into the woods and collect10 pieces of fruit of the same type and then return with them to me.' Themen, knowing they had passed dozens of fruit on their way happily accepted.Richard was first to return. He had found 10 apples. The leader of thecannibals said,'right, now i want you to shove the apples up your butt oneby one without making any type of noise. If you make a sound i will eatyou.' Richard got to the fourth apple before he yelled in pain. He waseaten. Next to come back was Simon. He had brought 10 grapes. The cannibalrepeated his task to him and Simon began. He was just putting in the lastgrape free of pain when he suddenly burst out laughing. Up in heaven Richard exclaimed to Simon, 'why did you laugh?? you were soclose you could have survived!!' Simon replied, 'I know, but i couldnt helpit, i saw Charlie coming along with pineapples!!'
Three men, Richard, Simon and Charlie are walking in the woods when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe says, 'we will eat all three of you if you fail the task i set you.' all three men agreed to take the task, it was worth it if it would save them from a painful death. The leader said, 'right, i want all of you to go into the woods and collect 10 pieces of fruit of the same type and then return with them to me.' The men, knowing they had passed dozens of fruit on their way happily accepted. Richard was first to return. He had found 10 apples. The leader of the cannibals said,'right, now i want you to shove the apples up your butt one by one without making any type of noise. If you make a sound i will eat you.' Richard got to the fourth apple before he yelled in pain. He was eaten. Next to come back was Simon. He had brought 10 grapes. The cannibal repeated his task to him and Simon began. He was just putting in the last grape free of pain when he suddenly burst out laughing. Up in heaven Richard exclaimed to Simon, 'why did you laugh?? you were so close you could have survived!!' Simon replied, 'I know, but i couldnt help it, i saw Charlie coming along with pineapples!!'
Thoroughly enjoyed the jokes :D...and yes, I would have to say my fave was the Russian pencil LOL - close second was the parrot - can just see him calmly stepping onto his owner's arm, contrite and apologetic LOL too funny! Thank you for the laugh :D
LOL nice hub
The remote joke made me laugh out loud! Well written.
good one
Excellent! I love this. What a perfect video by the way.
I enjoyed this very much, especially the Monty Python. What a great sense of humour!
Thanks Frieda and P7. Glad you got a laugh!
these jokes are just average
I needed a laught tonight because I wasn't feeling too good. I read all your jokes they gave me a good laugh and I thank you for that. I have just joined six weeks ago and I would like to be your fan, perhaps you could wander over my way see what you think my chances are at writing. I am a singer that is I was singing professionally, until my illness forced me off the stage, so to speak. I found hubpages, I think it was meant to be, I will read some more of your hubs, BB
I don't believe anyone can come up with a "funniest joke in the world". Every culture has such a different sense of humor. For that matter, every person has a different idea of what is funny and what isn't. I personally liked the parrot/chicken joke the best!
I loved these jokes, but i have a certaint favorite:
Two guys are were going hiking, and and went way off trail. One of them says "hey, I gotta go to the bathrrom, just a sec." the other one say "ok" as the first guy gos over behid a bush.
the second guy turns around to give him privacy, and no sooner, does he hear..."HOLY F****IN SH*T!!!!!!"
second guy asks"what? what happened?!"
"a snoake bit me!"
"where?!"
"ON MY F***IN DI*K!!!!!!"
"oh, ok, i'll call the doctor and ask what to do!"
So he calles the doctor and he answers "hello?"
"hey, my friend and i are in the forest on a hike, and my friend was bitten by a snake. what do i do?!"
and the doctor answers, "well, son, if someone is bitten by a snake, you have to suck the venom out with your mouth."
the second guy falls silent, and hangs up the phone.
"what he say?!" the first guy asks worrydly.
and the second guy answers, I'm sorry man, he said you gonna die."
I really liked joke #2! Funny stuff!
Just what I need now, good laughs, hehe, Thank you! Do you have more?
Tiger woods pulls up to a gas station in a remote bay community and asks the attendant to fill up the tank.
When Tiger gets out of his car to pay for the gas he drops a Tee out of his pocket. The gas station attendant asks what it was and Tiger said.....you put your balls on it when your driving.....and the attendant says....Wow! those folks at Volvo thinks of everything.
NIce and funny jokes i ever read.
ive heard better
Chortle
I loved joke #2. It was very funny.I can't compare it with any other.
Here is one that i know of.
A father was shoping with his 10 year old son in a super market. As they were walking, the little boy saw a very attractive pack of 3 and asked his Dad. Dad what is that? the father replied Oh! those are called Condoms those are for College boys. 1 for friday, 1 for saturday and 1 for sunday.
As they walked along, the boy saw the exact pack but now with 6. He asked again Dad whose are those for?
The father replied,Oh! those are for University Boys, 2 for Friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday.
The boy continued to walk on satisfied. Then he saw a pack of 12 and stood motionless.
He said to his Dad. Dad now you must be joking. Whose are these for?
The dad looked around to make sure no one else was listening to them and bent down towards his son and said, Son those ar for old men like Me. 1 for january,1 for February all the way upto December.
ha ha ha ha! so funny.
Take a look at these jokes.
This hub has three nice jokes in it. You will love it and laugh hard if you understand what the three jokes are saying
http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-not-take-a-break-and-r
This other one is just so funny and at the same time stupid.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Who-is-to-be-blamed
I am sure you will be happy to spend your few minutes on these two hubs
All but the first one gave me quite the chuckle! Thanks for the laugh!
Right then, my fav. joke: There was a manager and his assistant, and they had just bought a pub, but they didn't know what to call it, so they settled on the queens legs, later, the assistant walks outside to have a fag, and sees a man standing outside, and he asks him 'What are you doing?' and the man said: 'I'm waiting for the Queens Legs to open so I can have a drink.'
I think Mr. Holmes joke is the best among the all.One of my fav. is-A man was listening to the FM.The FtM got disordered.the man opened the FM & got a dead mouse,then he says"The singer is dead.Who will sing now?"
Indian brave asks chief how he names babies. Chief says, "I look out tent, if I see Eagle fly over, I name baby Eagle Fly Over. If I see deer run by, I name baby Deer Run By. Why you ask, Two Dogs Fornicating?" ... (you can change the word, or even the name to One Dog Licking Testicles, for which the nickname is One Dog)
I think the funniest joke of all the ones here is Sherlock Holmes' joke. Thank you so much for sharing this hub. I love a good laugh.
Hi AC. I'm glad you were able to get a laugh! The Holmes and Watson joke seems to be the most popular so far, although I think people have left some very funny jokes here in the comment section.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
Nice jokes man.
Two men were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the man who plants the trees is sick.' !!
Two flies sat on a dog turd. One farts and the other says"do you mind I'm eating"
these jokes r not funney at all 2 tell u the truth they r kinda stupid.... just stating the facts
At the University of Saskatoon, saskachewan,Canada, the Vetenarian Institute was having its final exam,,using the carcass of a dead cow. The Head Vet entered the auditorium wearing his white coat and proceeded to remove the blanket covering the dead cow, he said there are two things that you need to become a good vet... #1 is that you cannot be disgusted at the sight of a dead animal, the Vet continued,he took his finger and incerted it in the cows rectum,He removed his finger and put it in His mouth and slowly sucked on His finger while removing it, the students where all making moans and groans and gagging and heaving and making nauseous sounds,talking among themselves at how sickingit was,
finaly the Vet said, now i would like each and everyone of you to do the same, with great hesitation they each began to repeat what the Vet had done,some got sick, and threw up and turned pale,others felt faint.. NOW THE VET SAID.. THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO DO TO BE A GOOD VET,,WHEN I STUCK MY FINGER INTO THE COWS ASS, I STUCK MY MIDDLE FINGER, AND SUCKED ON MY INDEX FINGER...YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION
RoflRoflRofl. Thanks for the good laugh!
A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead had been stuck on an Island together for more than six months. The Redhead found a lamp with a genie. The genie said to them, "I will give you each one wish." The Brunette pushed ahead of the other girls in a great hurry. "I WANT TO GO HOME!!!" She cried. The Genie poofed her home. "I WANT TO GO HOME TOO!!!" Cried the Redhead. So she was also poofed home. The Blonde was the only one left. The Genie asks her what her wish is. The Blonde, with a depressed look on her face, looks across the vast island and says in a rather sad and cracked voice, "This place is lonely without my friends. I wish they were here with me!"
Very funny!!!
Enjoyed reading lovely jokes here...
Simple and yet just what I was looking for.
there where two hunters, one of them says "fire here u will hear a cool echo", he fires,but he doesn't hear anything.they go onwards and the first guy says "fire here u will hear a cool echo", he fires but he doesn't hear anything. they walk a little bit more and the first guy says "fire here u will hear a cool echo, i swear" then the other guy sais "i can't i ran out of arrows"
Nice jokes man
Great jokes guys. Loved the Owen's most.
rockinjoe Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
Nice hub. I can't tell my favorite joke here. They'd cancel my hub account.